karavoli

Hey beautiful soul

I’m turning 30 this week (woohoo) and instead of being sad that my twenties are coming to an end I want to take time to reflect on what I’ve learned in the past 30 years. Because believe me, I’ve learned and experienced a lotttt. If you also turned 30 recently and have no idea what you’re doing here and why you haven’t reached all the milestones society has taught us to reach by the age of 30 yet, you’ve come to the right place.

Is it just me, or has it become increasingly more difficult to make friends as an adult? Have you ever wondered why that is or are you still friends with your friends from kindergarten? If yes, wow! That’s cool and impressive 🙂

In this blogpost I’ll share some helpful thoughts on how to let go of old friendships and I share some tips on how to become a better friend to create long lasting friendships.

Friends come and go

It took me way to long to come to terms with the fact that some friendships change over the course of the years. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. And that is okay. Priorities, lifestyle and values change and it is only healthy to surround yourself with people who you don’t have to explain your heart to every time you see them. (I’ll write another blogpost about how to choose the right people for you very soon). The sooner you accept that some people are only here for a specific chapter in your beautiful book called life, the easier it gets to look back on the beautiful memories you’ve created together without growing resentment or anger towards them.

You don’t need one best friend

I don’t have a best friend. A few years ago, I was so ashamed to even admit that fact. I thought people would think less of me, when I told them that no one refers to me as their “ride or die”.  I had long conversations with different people and I came to the conclusion that you don’t need one best friend because one person alone can’t fulfill every single need you have. Putting all your emotional need into one person isn’t healthy. It’s better and more sustainable to have a mix of friends who each fulfill a different role. According to Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder of Catalyst Counseling in Houston, these roles could look like this:

An emotional anchor: Your go-to for deep, vulnerable conversations. Whether you’re going through a breakup, a difficult family situation at home or when you just need someone to listen.

A practical problem-solver: This could be the person you call for more logistical advice. Maybe a financial decision, holiday planning or the next big career move.

A playmate: This person may not be the one you ask for emotional support but they bring out the fun side in you. You hit them up for a spontaneous weekend trip or a last-minute holiday. Or maybe you just share funny reels and text messages with them.

A contextual companion: These are not necessarily people in your inner circle but they make everyday life a little bit more enjoyable and fun. Is there a coworker who is always up for a lunch break chat or someone from your weekly run club who motivates you?

Now comes the self-reflection part. Here I invite you to write down all the things you think you are doing already and things you would like to improve and become an even better friend. Here are my tips and things I want to be better at or start doing:

Be the friend you want to have

Be interested and listen to understand

When listening to your friends, are you actively listening to understand or are you listening and waiting for your turn to speak? Gotcha. I do the same by the way. It’s because I’m so excited to talk about my ideas and thoughts instead of being curious on what the person in front of me is trying to tell me. It doesn’t mean we are bad people it just means that we need a little bit of practice. When you start to listen, you’ll be able to identify whether your friend just needs a shoulder to cry on or if you should offer some practical advice.

And what do I mean with “be interested”? I’m aware that the hobbies and passions of your friends are sometimes not identical to yours. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions. Your friend just told you that they booked a holiday? Ask for example: “Why did you choose this destination?” “What are you looking forward to”? etc. Engage, be interested. People remember that immediately and if they feel loved and seen by your actions and words, you did something right.

Initiate

Stop waiting for the invite and initiate. What does initiating mean actually? For me it means, keeping the connection alive. We all have different circumstances. While my friend can invite me over for dinner in her apartment, I may not be able to because my apartment is too tiny. So, I text her for example and ask if she wants to hang out at the lake and eat an ice cream with me after work. I challenge you to get creative with initiating. Not only is that beneficial for your current friendships. If you’re on the lookout for new friends you could start a book club or a weekly runners club. You could invite some people over every month and plan a themed dinner party where everyone brings a dish or even a friend. It sounds exhausting at first but waiting to be invited is even more exhausting. Isn’t it?

Be the village

You surely have heard about the term “be the village”, or “it takes a village”. These terms are often used when it comes to motherhood and babies. It takes a village to raise a child. True. But that is not the topic of today. Nor am I skilled in talking about that topic. Hehe

Friendships and relationships are built on presence. You have to be willing to show up, even if it’s inconvenient for you. You can’t only expect your friends to show up for you and when it’s your turn you say things like: “I have to protect my energy.” “I’m not feeling like it today”. Okay I get that to a certain level. But how many times do your friends showed up for you when you needed them? Here are few examples:

• Attend your friends’ events and support their milestones
• Check in. Send a text or voice message just because
• Offer help by running an errand or bake a cake for their birthday
• Celebrate their wins
• Remember important little details in their life

Ditch the catch-up culture

“How’s it going?”, “How’s work?”, “How are the kids?”. Do these questions feel familiar? For me these are conversations I’m having with a few friends that I meet 2-3 times a year and the conversations stay superficial because the friendships are not fueled by new experiences. I often asked myself why I felt so depleted and tired after these catch ups. It’s because I only talk about how hard the past few months have been and how tired I am and yada yada yada.

We talk about our life instead of experiencing life together. Have you noticed that? Sometimes it’s not possible to physically see each other more often because you live far away from your friends and you only see them on your birthday. But some friends live very close by and still we are not able to schedule a spontaneous date or lunch together. I don’t want that seeing my friends feels like an administrative task anymore. So, I researched and came up with a few ideas on how to ditch the catch-up culture for good:

• Are you going for a walk every day? Call your friend while walking. Make it a weekly or monthly ritual.
• Plan activities instead of only talking about what happened since last month. Cook a meal together, go for a run, hang out at their place and read together etc.
• Prioritize low-pressure hangouts. Suggest a casual grocery run, watching a movie, watching a football game or just sitting on the sofa.
• Text your friends more often. Send a picture of your dinner, your outfit, something that reminds you of them.
• Are you folding your laundry or doing your nails at home? Face time your sister or friend while doing these chores and activities.  

Please don’t forget that not every friendship will go deep. With some friends you share every little detail of your life, others are your brunch buddies. Both are important. But it doesn’t hurt to build richer connections with the people close to your heart. As Grace Beverley said beautifully in one of her videos.

I hope you enjoyed my first blog post of my new series. We’ll catch up after my birthday party.

Thank you for being here. And remember:

You’re doing good

I’m proud of you

You’ve got this

❤